You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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