When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
