Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
