my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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