remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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