One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
