can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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