I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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