Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
