This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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