the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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