Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
