evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
