I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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