Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
