It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
