This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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