he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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