Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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