i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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