we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
