I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
