Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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