The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
