i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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