So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
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He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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