she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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