Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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