I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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