Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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