I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
