Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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