I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
