please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
