I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
