3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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