Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
