My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
