Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
