You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
