Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
