I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
