Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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