and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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