True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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