When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
