an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
