I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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