well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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