I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He passed out mid-signature
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
