At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
