I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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