i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
