A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"