I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
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I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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