Only a mothe r could love this liver
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
