haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
